...as I was saying

When I visited profs at various universities out of town, they all made a point of reminding me that a PhD is years and years of my life and that you have to really want to do it and that most scholars persue this avenue because they can't (or don't want to) do anything else. I disregarded most of these statements as attempts to psych me out; to weed out applicants who are faint of heart. Then I gave these statements more thought.

Not only could I do something else, I could do everything else. Not to toot my own horn, but I have more marketable skills than I can shake a stick at; many of which are crafts and talents that I find personally rewarding. School will always be there, but ambition and passion may not be... I'm turning 26 in a matter of weeks and I don't want my life to fly by the way it has been.

The outcome of this personal enlightenment/life-plan revolution is that I'm desperate to get this thesis (and it's supervisor) out of my face so I can get on with things. Undeadclothingco is a sad work-in-progress for me. All I want to do is work toward it, but I feel guilt and shame every time I fire up my sewing machine; guilt that I should be working on schoolwork, shame that I don't want to be. I'm suddenly obsessed with the idea of doing what I want without guilt or shame over my shoulder. I'd like to give undeadclothingco my focus for awhile and see where it takes me.

I'm nowhere near done my thesis, so any hopes and dreams for undeadclothingco will have to wait for now. I suspect that the ultimate goal of working for myself toward something that means a lot to me will keep me working diligently on my thesis, and will keep my chin up as well.

Thesis pieces

This masters has become a canker in my life. Obviously, there is a lot of other stuff going on that irritates me as well, but lately I'm desperate to wrap this up and get on with my life.

"On with my life". Now what does that mean? Having discovered that research work and thesis writing sucks ass and makes me miserable, what to do now? In a way, I'm almost grateful to my supervisor for pointing out how much I'm hating this. I love learning, that much is true. I love classes and seminars and discussions and conferences. I even love writing essays. But months of solo research with minimal interaction is simply not working out. And what is a PhD but years and years of the same?

Stream of consciousness interrupted. To be continued...

Belated xmas

Wrapping Christmas gifts while swigging Heineken. A perfect polaroid snapshot of my holidays this year. Cheers.

2008; reflections and resolutions

Reflection:
In the past year, I've learned a lot about what happens when you adhere too stodgily to commitments and arrangements that aren't necessarily in my best interest.
Resolution:
Learn to comunicate effectively and honestly with myself, especially with regard to things that make me happy, sad or angry.

Reflection:
Thesis work/depression has cost me much in the way of activity, both physical and social. Both these things have a way of perpetuating themselves... eg- the less you go the the gym, the less you feel like going.
Resolution:
Force myself to get out there. Go to the gym even if I'm lazy, go to the party even if I feel introverted/uninteresting.

Reflection:
The way you project yourself and the way others see you are one and the same; Kurt Vonnegut wrote "be careful what you pretend to be because you are what you pretend to be."
Resolution: Practice transparency. If I don't think people like/respect me, it's probably because I'm not showing them a likeable and respectable person, which I know I am inside.

Less abstract/more concrete resolutions;
- exnay on the okingsmay
- ensure that I laugh every single day
- ensure that I do something creative every single day
- dance on a regular (perhaps weekly) basis
- stretch when I'm feeling overwhelmed/sad/stressed out
- investigate careers
- reach out to old friends I've lost touch with
- take walks for no reason
- do not repeat 2007